Ask The List Watchers
Dear List Watchers,

I am a lower B-List television actor looking to uplist.  My agent says that my look is played out and that I have only two choices:  play the abusive husband in made-for-Lifetime melodramas or hitch myself to a Sci Fi franchise.  What should I do?

Sincerely,
Under Fifty and Looking to Uplist

Dear Under,

Generally speaking, a Sci Fi franchise is a safer bet.  Though Lifetime can pay the bills, it's really only for career maintenance.  It's dependable work and it will ensure people don't forget you, but it's difficult to uplist from a genre Hollywood scorns.  Sci Fi, however, can offer you new opportunities.  If you get a solid show, you could get other work within the genre or even get a movie if you're lucky and land a series which takes off (please forgive the pun).  William Shatner's career certainly wasn't hurt by doing seven
Star Trek films--and neither was his bank account.  Besides, who would you rather work with:  Meredith Baxter or Sigourney Weaver?
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Dear List Watchers,

I've recently moved from Indianapolis to Los Angeles to pursue my acting career.  Right now I'm waiting tables, but I got an offer I wanted to ask you about.  This kind of ugly guy with shiny clothes who eats at the Denny's where I work who is a director and a producer keeps saying he can put me in one of his movies.  The only thing is that I don't get what "nudity with sensuality" means and I don't understand why his film studio is in his basement.  I mean, I thought all the movie studios were in Culver City and Burbank and not in Reseda.  What do you think?

Sincerely,
First Runner-Up, 2004 South Indianapolis Miss Blueberry Pageant

Dear Blue,

Move back to Indianapolis.
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Dear List Watchers,

I'm curious about something.  It seems like there is a glut of famous people on "reality" shows these days.  But they never get what you call "A-List" people.  Can you tell me why celebrities would do shows like this?  I mean, are they really that desperate for attention?

Sincerely,
Reality Curious

Dear Reality,

The answer to your first question is that
celebrities don't do "reality" shows.  Sometimes famous people think that this will work for them because it injected new life into Ozzy Osbourne's career, but focusing on this misses the point.  At the time, hardly any famous people were doing shows like this.  And (most importantly), the show didn't just focus on Ozzy himself, but provided significant airtime for his very colorful family.  Now, there is a glut of these shows.  Famous people whose careers are nearly nonexistent, like Kirstie Alley and Farrah Fawcett, have done it; those uninteresting Gastineau women and even the Gotti offspring have entered the fray; and of course, there is that example of true show business abjection, The Surreal Life (we think that even watching it can make you D-List if you're already famous).  See, the problem is that celebrities' lives are extremely boring to watch--unless you have a decent drug problem (and by this we mean that they catch you trying to score smack from Melanie Griffith in some roach-ridden hovel in Hollywood), are a total whore (and by this we mean you're sellin' it cheap on Sunset Blvd. and you get busted while giving Arnold Schwarzenegger a Hot-Carl), or are hiding Martians in your basement (and not regular Martians, but scouts for the eventual invasion force led by Tom Cruise and Anne Heche) you can't really top what's already been done.

As to your second question, that's easy.  Of course they're that desperate--they're actors
.
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