Dear Diary,
     What's all this fuss about smoking in the movies?  It's so ridiculous.  I just don't get why anyone cares.  Maybe there are health risks, but my audiences are not going to inhale my smoke if I'm puffing onscreen.  Anyway, mother smoked cigars and she lived to be over 100.  (I felt cheated--I mean, they always say these things cause cancer, but I had to wait for mother to die of old age.)  Besides, lots of famous moviestars were smokers--you couldn't even be a big A-Lister when they made those old movies that weren't in color if you didn't smoke.  Though officially Louise Blanford is not a smoker because she doesn't like the smell and that fact that it leaves unattractive lines on your face, she will smoke onscreen if the scene calls for it.  Why not?  I've heard that is has helped some people lose weight.  Since so many people are fat these days, many of them should probably smoke more.  And why is smoke the only offensive smell that ever seems to bother people like Rob Reiner?  I was forced to stand next to him at a premiere once and I thought he smelled like a sweaty fat guy who had been rolling around in a cow pasture. It was gross!  Ew.  I just threw up a little.
********
Dear Diary,
     Today, Marilyn and I were having lunch at the Ivy this afternoon and some creepy little bald man tried to get close to the table.  I was worried at first when Marilyn's security people swooped in and dragged him off because I thought it might have been Danny Devito (even though he is ugly, Louise Blanford is friends with him and wants to keep it that way.)  Later, Marilyn told me that he is CEO of some corporation that manufactures tires or something.  Can you believe that?  He thought he could actually get next to Louise Blanford just because he has money?  Look, everyone wants to be with Louise Blanford, and Louise Blanford does have pity for all the men who want her but cannot have her.  But the game has rules. Rule#1:  You can't date Louise Blanford unless you are an A-List moviestar (and it helps if you have an Academy Award or at least a nomination) with definite leading man qualities or a rock musician with many platinum albums.  George Clooney, yes.  George Hamilton, not on your life.  Rule #2:  Cute doesn't cut it--you must possess dashing good-looks in order to date Louise Blanford.  Ashton Kutcher may be alright for Demi Moore, but Louise Blanford wants a man in an Armani suit.  Rule #3:  Louise Blanford demands expensive jewelry.  If you can't pay, you can't play.  Louise Blanford is specially designed pink diamonds and platinum, not retail gold with precut gems.  Rule #4:  Louise Blanford is always a free agent.  If you start making demands on Louise Blanford, you will not get to see Louise Blanford.  Rule #5:  No matter how good you are, your time with Louise Blanford is limited.  People don't drink expired milk, and Louise Blanford doesn't stay with a man when the romance curdles.  When it's over, accept it and move on.  If you don't, Marilyn's security force will ensure that you do.  Rule #6:  If Louise Blanford chooses to date you, Marilyn Mableman is part of the deal.  She's vicious, so don't piss her off--the few who have are no long around to talk about it.  Rule #7:  Once your romance with Louise Blanford has ended, you may not trash her in public, no matter what she did to you.  If you do, you will be forced to deal with Marilyn Mableman's security force--and even worse, her army of lawyers.
********
Dear Diary,
     My assistant told me about a rude article in
Hollywood Reporter which suggested that Louise Blanford's very public donation of $10 million to the International Red Cross for its relief efforts for all those people hit by that big soo-nami in Asia was just a big publicity stunt.  That's just stupid.  Louise Blanford doesn't need extra publicity in Asia--everyone there loves her!  No, if you want to know the truth, the reason Louise Blanford is big on this cause is simple:  if people are poverty stricken, sick, or homeless, they can become distracted from paying attention to Louise Blanford.  This way, we all win.  Louise Blanford gets to show her humanitarian side publicly and she gets to be a beacon of hope to people who need something positive in their lives.  And anyway, wouldn't most people agree that more Louise Blanford is better than less?  It shows how saint-like Louise Blanford can be to her fans.  In this, Louise Blanford is almost like Princess Diana--only prettier and not dead.
********
Dear Diary,
     I  got another lecture from Marilyn today on Hollywood etiquette.  She says I'm getting a bad rep for trying to sink other people's careers.  Can I help it if some people have limited ranges and aren't as pretty or talented as Louise Blanford?  Anyway, apparently Marilyn heard that I've been "squeezing" Meg Ryan out of parts along with my "little cabal of Hollywood bullies."  Some actresses can be so jealous!  Can I help it if producers would rather cast me in roles that she wants?  It's not Louise Blanford's fault if someone sends her a script that some other actress likes and she says it sounds interesting and they start to build a project around it and then she finds she'd rather do something else and the whole thing falls apart and the film never gets made, leaving that other actress out in the cold.  Maybe Louise Blanford is just fickle--she likes what she hears and then she changes her mind later.  Hey, that's show biz.  Besides, I've always heard that it is a woman's prerogative to change her mind.  Perhaps some people should try and get work on their own and shouldn't sit around waiting for Louise Blanford's leftovers.  Maybe also some people shouldn't say insulting things about Louise Blanford in the powder room of the Ivy where she might overhear.  Is it Louise Blanford's fault that Russell Crowe prefers natural blondes?
More to come.                                                      1,2                                                                        Home